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14 Dating Red Flags (In Honor of Flag Day)

It's finally here! The world's most anticipated holiday. A holiday to celebrate fabric blowing in the wind. A holiday that makes you say, "Sicily has a flag? And that's what it looks like?" IT'S FLAG DAY!!


In honor of this momentous celebration, Highbrow Lowbrow put together some specifically red flags that you should keep an eye out in the dating world. Signs that make you say, "It's not me, it's you."


 

1. They say “It’s Morbin time" every morning to start their day.



2. They bring their mom… that means they’re probably a child and you shouldn’t do that. They will def tell on you.



3. They say they are a chef in Paris, but plot twist they really aren’t a chef! Rather there is a mouse under their hat controlling all their movements that is the real chef.


4. They have a pig farm…because that means they’re a serial killer. Unless you really like pigs then idk go for it? But they may have just bought the pigs after stalking you and finding out you like pigs. So it’s a toss up. Go with your gut.



5. If your date flies a Union Jack flag and sings God Save the Queen, that’s a red flag. Your date may be a loyalist. Here are some surefire ways to determine if your date’s a Benedict Arnold: they celebrate Boxing Day, they still support Prince Andrew, they claim that independence from Britain will come eventually, but want it to come about organically, they own corgis, they think Princess Diana is overrated, they can’t stop talking about the Queen’s Jubilee, they have bad teeth.


6. They still haven’t memorized the alphabet. Even worse if they know it, but not in order.



7. They claim to be a cult leader and invite you to their weekly meeting at the local YMCA.


8. They don’t have a reflection, only want to do things at night, and haven’t gotten past

their teething phase.


9. They have multiple freezers of meat, and they don’t like to hunt or cook.



10. You take them up on their cult meeting invite, ya'know just to see what's it's like. When you get to The Y, you realize that the organization they're a leader of is the "Closeted Unicorn Lovers of Tallahassee". All four other people there are in full unicorn costumes and originally from Tallahassee. But, they have a really nice dessert table so you stay.


11. They think of Star Wars as the Ronald Reagan defense program and not the popular movie franchise



12. At the 20-hour long "Closeted Unicorn Lovers of Tallahassee" meeting, you are slowly convinced that unicorns are not only real, but hidden from the public by the government. Their magic rainbow farts are used in many of today's pharmaceutical wonder-drugs like Cialis and Levitra. You find yourself inspired by the C.U.L.T. leader's passion to find the truth and you start to crave brief moments of shared eye contact as they describe the process of encapsulating rainbow farts. You ponder a life with this unicorn-lover and what your baby foals would look like.


13. If they don’t want to open a joint bank account with you. If they won’t support you who will?!



14. You move in with the C.U.L.T. leader. You spend the next 10 years protesting and getting arrested outside of CVS pharmacies demanding that the unicorns be freed. At first, your unicorn-lover lover doesn't ask much of you. But overtime, they push you to Gorilla-glue a sparkly horn to your forehead and replace all your phalanges with hooves. They demand you only communicate by neighing and hand feed them apples while stroking their neck. After a decade, it hits you. THEY ARE A UNICORN. They're the last of their kind and all they want to do is convert humans into unicorns to continue their lineage. But surgically transitioning to a unicorn is extremely painful and expensive. The biggest red flag of them all is if they're a unicorn. NEVER DATE A UNICORN.


 

-- contributions from Ryan "Chewe" Gutchewsky, Kyle Gosiewski, Zach Rimkus, Ashley T. and Caleb Tackes


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