Have you had a down year so far? Is 2022 not so different than 2021 or 2020? Do you need to turn your luck around? Well there's no better time than this St. Patrick's Day by catching a LEPRACHAUN! And there's no better place to learn the ins and outs of leprechaun snatching than Highbrow Lowbrow where we hunt those green little bastards annually in hope of a better tomorrow.
1. Ask Santa. He has the hook up. Elves are retired leprechauns.
2. Turn out all the lights and say “Ronald McDonald is my favorite Irish clown” three times in the mirror.
3. Rumor has it that if you dip your left pinky toe in the Chicago river after it has been dyed green on the 17th of March you become a leprechaun due to the radioactive elements of the river.
4. Start a school of higher education for magical creatures. Send out flyers and host an orientation where everyone becomes friends. Then at the end of orientation, lock the leprechaun and all the other magical beasts into crippling loans to pay for four years of subpar education. You’ll eventually end up with all the gold!
5. Two words. Fuzzy handcuffs.
6. If you ever encounter a leprechaun at Costco, whip out your membership card. leprechauns love commitment to savings. They will immediately jump into your cart and let you take them home. They’re typically $49.50 a pop, but right after St. Patrick’s Day you can get them half price.
7. The best way to catch a leprechaun is to ask it nicely. You might just get lucky.
8. Paint your smangey gold.
9. Lure one into a cage with a signed box-set copy of Air Buddies signed by ALL the buddies.
10. Trade a pack of skittles for the rainbow. Pack up your best hiking gear and ride that pony till the end. When you get there, pretend to be a troll asking riddles three if anyone attempts to cross the rainbow. This twist of expectation will shock the leprechaun so much that they’ll have an existential crisis and decide to give it all up and buy a tiny house van to travel and “find themself”. They’ll eventually reinvent themselves and enjoy life, but you’ll have gold, riddles, and rainbows!
11. Catching a leprechaun can be a tough and time-consuming task. That’s why you should outsource the job to Bangladesh. The labor there is much cheaper and probably more efficient than your lazy ass. Their website says they catch up to twelve leprechauns per day! Wow, that’s a lot of gold and wishes for you. Don’t be a dumbo; outsource to Bangladesh.
12. Sacrifice a Girl Scout. Some leprechauns are actually human-eaters who feast on the blood of organized children.
13. Leprechauns are notoriously reclusive creatures. They’re introverts at heart and the best way to catch an introvert is to lay out a nice evening in for it. I’m talking: Netflix on the TV, their favorite takeout dish, a good book, a hot cup of tea, maybe some porn if it’s feeling frisky. It’s important to know your leprechaun. Then, when it’s finally settled down for the night, tucked in cozily with its comfy pants on, you JUMP IT. Got ya, you filthy introverted leprechaun.
14. Remember leprechauns are a type of fairy. And fairies, like girls, just want to have fun. So show that fairy a good time! Take it out on the town. Buy plenty of tequila shots. They love those. Dance. And then dance some more. This is a crucial step. If your leprechaun fairy isn’t dancing, it’s having a bad time. At the end of the night, the leprechaun will willingly give you its gold, wishes, or virginity!
15. Do your best Irish accent and a little jig. Leprechauns love others trying to impersonate them.
16. Did you know that leprechauns love affordable timeshares in large Caribbean island cities? It’s true. All you have to do is pose as a timeshare salesman, promoting fake cheap island city timeshares at the baggage claim at Midway Airport (everyone also knows that leprechauns only fly Southwest which is not at O’Hare). Once you get a leprechaun to bite and start haggling on price, have your estranged friend Randy (a certified leprechaun hunter) pop out of the baggage carousel where he's been hiding. With his oversized leprechaun-snatching net, he will quickly scoop up the leprechaun. Boom!
17. The best way to trap a leprechaun is to take it out for dinner. Buy it a fancy three course dinner. Share your fries with it. After dinner, walk it home. Go in for a kiss. Ask to see it again. Begin a three to four year relationship with it. On the anniversary of that first dinner, propose to it. It’ll say yes, of course. Pop out a couple of leprechaun kids. Then the long con trap truly begins because BAM - tell it you never truly loved them. It can’t leave you now; it’s got a mortgage, dog, and two kids who are its pride and joy. Suddenly, that leprechaun is trapped in a loveless marriage and going nowhere. You’re welcome.
-- contributions from Ashley T., Zach Rimkus, Ryan "Chewe" Gutchewsky, J.C. Lempa, and Caleb Tackes