Happy Earth Day! To increase awareness for Mother Earth and all her beautiful creatures, The Browmunity compiled 22 ways you can keep momma healthy and kicking for the next bajillion years. Or at least until we've all moved to Mars.
1. Walk more. But not too much, don’t be a show off.
2. Hug trees. But make sure you get their consent first. Trees are notoriously uncomfortable with showing affection and an unwarranted hug can send them spiraling.
3. Never wash your clothes, never do the dishes, never turn on the lights, and never ever leave the house.
4. Bike more. But never unicycle. That’s just weird.
5. Try starting your own garden. Even if you live in the city, you can use your windows sills as mini vegetable gardens and grow lettuce, green onions, or whatever tickles your fancy.
6. Segway more. But don't drink and Segway. It’s the leading cause of small scrapes and bruises in America.
7. Eat more beef. It’s pretty obvious that “climate change” is Earth’s hint that she wants to be dominated. Show her who’s boss and grab the bull by the horns.
8. Start an ant farm. If you don’t have the land or funds to grow sustainable Earth friendly crops, maybe your tiny friends will.
9. Get reusable bags. But, like really cute ones. Not those plain-Jane, boring as heck Aldi bags. I’m talking designer. Get dat Gucci plastic.
10. Hit up your local thrift shops! Half the clothes smell weird, but so does half of nature. No, but seriously wash that stuff before you wear it.
11. Stop styling your pubes. We all want that coiffed wave pointing at our dicks, but cool it on the aerosols.
12. Stop the fossil fuel industry from polluting the Earth and then making lowly consumers feel guilty for their “carbon footprint”. Fuck you BP.
13. Hit it raw! Condoms take years to break down, you need to chance the burn, so the earth doesn't.
14. Reduce, reuse, recycle, reassess, revenge, re-show no mercy, reclaim the throne.
15. Educate yourself on ocean conservation and whale species by taking a free seminar conducted at the Pacific Whale Foundation.
16. Drink alternative milks. Like oat milk, goat milk, or boat milk. Boat milk is just seawater with white color dye. Yum!
17. Adopt a whale from the Pacific Whale Foundation. Plenty of whales to choose from! Its tax deductible and proceeds go directly towards ocean conservation programs!
18. Ensure all of your Air Bud™ VHS tapes are BPA free plastic.
19. Kill your neighbor. Can’t pollute if you’re dead!
20. Send hate mail to the Pacific Whale Foundation. Tried adopting one and you found out it was b*llshit? They don't even give you a real f*cking whale just send a few pictures and email spam?? They can go to hell.
21. Take the stairs whenever you can.
22.Engage in ecoterrorism by burning down the headquarters of the Pacific Whale Foundation and setting their whales free. Get F*cked you motherf*ckers. Wheres your f*cking Sperm Wh*les now?! I will set them free!! They're all going to be free! No more lies!
-- contributions from Ryan "Chewe" Gutchewsky, J.C. Lempa, Sean Bayard, and Caleb Tackes