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7 Terrible Things You Should Never Ever Name Your Children

Updated: May 22, 2023

Spring hath sprung. May is a month of fertility and growth, and is well known for Mayflowers, Justin Timberlake quotes on April 30th, and commonly the preface to the word “be”. May is also the month for Mothers’ Day, so we thought it’s just perfect for a funny idea involving babies.


So in honor of parenthood, fertility, and growth, we’re listing out all our terrible ideas for the very thing we use to identify people: their name.


 

#1. Let's just get these terrible ones out of the way right off the bat: Jenna Side, Lloyd Mongol, Karen, Spaghetti Joe, Hindenburg, Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, ‘lil Shit. You may think you're being edgy, but if we could think of them, they're not original.


#2. Naming after your favorite animal. I don’t want to hang out with a man named Wolf or Eagle. Those guys are weird and I’ll compare all of their mannerisms to whatever animal they’re named. Plus they’re more than likely going to become a Spiderman villain: Rhino, Lizard, Scorpion, Doctor Octopus (at least he became a doctor).



#3. Naming after a month, emotion, or common word. How would you like to have a daily reminder that you are the “Hope” the world needs, or that you need to have “Faith”? Might as well just name the kid “Listens To Mom” or “Not Heard From” since these names feel more like instructions rather than an identity.


#4. Using a random name generator. You’re not Donald Glover, and as dope as “Short Ferret Pinky” is, it does not make for a great name to have for life, until they’re old enough to legally change it. They likely will as soon as they can.


#5. Any form of Nathan, Nate, or Nathaniel. I don’t trust ‘em. They’re either from the Revolutionary War era or a nerd. But not a nice, fun nerd. A nerd who corrects you when you mispronounce a character's name from Star Wars.


#6. Naming your child after a brand. Not only will it be a complete nuisance for them when the company is brought up, if the company is ever in the news for anything terrible, the best outcome the kid can hope for is the company goes bankrupt and is never heard from again. This goes for even seemingly harmless names like Apple or Halliburton Arms Manufacturing.


#7. Air Bud. I know it’s tempting. Naming your son or daughter after the Michael Jordan of dogs would set them up for a lifetime of success. BUT! Look at Michael B. Jordan. He had to add a whole initial to get out the limelight of the way more famous Michael Jordan. You don’t want your kid being called Air D. Bud or Air B. Bud. That just sounds ridiculous.


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