April famously hosts the holiday that Christians know as Easter, and pagans know as that weird religious holiday that celebrates furries and candy. Though no one can quite put a finger on how priests, young children, and rabbits coalesced for a single festivity, the intelligent among us will know that it is a celebration of Jesus rising from the dead to ascend to his place in heaven as the sidekick to God. The Robin to the Batman if you will, if they somehow also existed as the same, but definitely different person.
This month we’re sharing our top things we wish were resurrected from the dead, be that failed sitcoms, discontinued sweets, or relatives.
#1. Spring break, but for the corporate world. It’d be awesome if the whole country took a full week off in the middle of March or April. The economy just takes a break and everyone floods to whatever coastal city they prefer. It may create weird ghost towns in larger Midwest cities that no one wants to go to because of the cold, but I think it’s a worthwhile experiment. Balls in your court, Biden.
Joe Biden at the beach circa 1834
#2. Arrested Development, but like, not the version they actually brought back.
#3. Super Size needs to make a comeback in a super way. Was it healthy? God no. Was it a leading cause of diabetes? Maybe. But was it a hell of a deal? Hell yeah! For 25 cents more than a large you could super size your drink, fries, or blood sugar. This is America! We were living large in every possible way. Ah the good ole days.
#4. Do they still make Lite Brites? Those were dope. Sitting in a dark room and sticking colored pegs into random black holes. Fun stuff.
#5. Air Bud movies. I’m not sure if Highbrow Lowbrow has addressed this before, but Super Buddies came out in 2013. That was the last time the Air Bud cannon grew and the last time I was able to lose myself in the complex and dynamic world of Air Bud. Bring back my buds!
#6. Lawn darts got a bad rap. Maybe because some kids got killed, but like that happens all the time now. I don’t see Congress banning AR-15-style rifles. So what’s the big deal? It was fun and this is AMERICA. Land of the free, home of the violence. Come on, bring ‘em back! Please! What if we enforce background checks for people that buy lawn darts. You know, so no one unstable or untrustworthy can hurt someone while throwing metal-pointed darts in a ring on the lawn. Are we worried about metal-tipped dart boards? Okay, I’d even be okay with universal registration and licensing of lawn darts. I mainly use them for hunting and target practice anyway. The American people demand lawn darts!
#7. Life sure was easier when there were playgrounds in fast food restaurants. Maybe this is nostalgia speaking but it seemed like a simpler time. A time when you could enjoy some chicken nuggets and then throw up said chicken nuggets while sprinting through the bends and turns of those tubes and tunnels all to avoid some random child’s tag. It sounds repulsive now but this was peak millennial happiness. In fact, I had back-to-back birthday parties at a McDonalds PlayPlace in the late 1990’s. And yes, my parents did love me. It really was just what made me happy. Unfortunately, those days are gone since McDonald’s rebranded their restaurants into boring-ass, playground-less McPrisons. I’m sorry that’s a bit dramatic, but I’ve been trying to plan another birthday party there for decades!
#8. Crocs. Did they ever leave? Maybe not, but they found some utility as slippers and for specific jobs. I miss the chaotic days when no one understood them, but everyone wanted them. When people would wear them to weddings and thought that was okay. It was madness. It was raw beauty.