I am an understanding person. I am open-minded and value listening to all sides of an argument, but there is one issue that I will forever remain biased. An issue that I made up my mind on long ago. An issue that I have committed to never allow others to consider with an unpartisan view.
That issue is the polarizing subject of dairy.
I'm here to air my grievances and tell you why I will happily die an anti-dairy-tarian and YOU SHOULD TOO!
1. Dairy's smug attitude
Dairy really thinks it's all that. It looks down on other consumables like soda or bread or or soda bread. Dairy sits on its self-proclaimed throne and acts like everyone else is beneath it. Sure it's adaptable and can be milk, yogurt, cheese, sour cream, cottage cheese, cream cheese, butter, whipped cream, cream-o-corn, whey protein, sweet cream, crème brûlée, brûlée de crème, greek yogurt, french yogurt, Go-gurt, Danimals, and weirdly part of tomato sauce. But who's counting??
Dairy needs to learn respect for others and stop publicly shaming vegetables for being lower on the food pyramid. Who cares!? Last time I checked, not many important rating systems use a triangular format. Is the food pyramid even a thing anymore?? Seriously, can someone tell me if that's still taught in school? It feels like Pluto where it somehow changed once I became an adult. But either way, dairy needs an attitude check. Dairy, who do you even think you are!?!?
2. I saw dairy cheat on the DMV vision test
This is just reckless. A car is a dangerous weapon. As we all know Dairy has poor night vision, but refuses to stop driving after 5:00. Dairy thinks it doesn't have to abide by the basic laws and structure that keep our gorgeous nation afloat. One of our most sacred and inalienable rules in this perfect society is to fully respect and never trick a DMV employee. For they are holy and the rules they impose upon the rest of society shalt not be questioned or tampered with. They are the law.
So last Tuesday I was in line to get my driver's license renewed and happened to end up behind Dairy. The extremely pleasant and understanding DMV clerk told Dairy that the vision test was mandatory for license renewal. Dairy lost it and made a huge scene, throwing chairs and temporary ID's all over. An hour later and after speaking with every manager at the DMV, Dairy agreed to sit down and take the test. But it was obvious from the start that Dairy was unable to read the poster across the room. So Dairy blatantly took out its phone, Googled "DMV vision test poster" and read the sign off the phone two inches away from its face.
Because DMV employees are so considerate and accommodating, the clerk running the test let Dairy pass. BUT WE ALL KNOW DAIRY IS BLIND AS A BAT!
3. Cows aren't real
You ever touch a cow? If you have, you've probably wondered, "hmm, why is its fur so metallic and why are its eyes taking pictures of me?" That's right, cows are robots. Created by the government to control our liquid intake.
Like most Americans, I was raised to drink 5 to 6 gallons of milk a day. That was until my father opened his eyes and realized that milk was just a tool used by the government to enter our bodies and control our minds. Thank gosh darn goodness he came to his senses when I was young so that the government never gained complete control of my body. I only consumed enough for them to possess my left pinky. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for majority of my compatriots who abide to the government's every whim because they have no choice. Those poor milk-infested souls.
4. Goats are real, but goat milk sucks
The government based its cow-bots off of goats. That's why there's so many similarities between the two animals; they both have eyes, a nose, buttholes, etc. Goats are the perfect animal so it makes sense the government chose them to replicate. But the one fatal flaw of goats is their barn-flavored utter juice. It's just not good.
My father and I tried goat milk briefly as an alternative from our doctor-recommended 5 to 6 gallons of cow milk a day. But it didn't last longer than one sip. As soon as that spoiled farm-infested drool touched our lips, we knew there were no good cow milk alternatives. And don't you dare mention oat milk! Oat milk is just goat milk, but with nuts.
5. Dairy killed my father
My Dad was the original lactose intolerant. He paved the way for all anti-pasteurizers who followed. But unlike his disciples, he was also physically intolerant to lactose. One night, after a long day of being the perfect father to me and my 22 siblings, he wanted a quick snack. So he ate an entire tub of what he thought was just lumpy pudding. Unfortunately, the tub wasn't labeled and he was wrong about its contents.
Dead wrong. It was cottage cheese.
My mother was unable to raise all of us children alone. His death resulted in me and my 22 siblings all being put in different orphanages across the world and never seeing each other again.
I have sworn my life to avenging my father and crumbling the bleu cheese dictatorship that dairy has on our country. Dairy cannot be trusted. Dairy cannot be depended on. Dairy cannot be welcomed into our beautiful American bodies at a rate of 5 to 6 gallons a day. Stand against the naughty white water with me. BOYCOT DAIRY!
