Conspiracy theories are fun, right? They don’t ever lead people down dark rabbit holes that end with them believing a 1999 movie is the real design of the universe or that everyone is a Gila monster in a suit. Well despite the downsides, I’ve made five (hopefully) harmless theories that would be fun if they were true, but DEFINITELY aren’t.
They aren’t true, right? Did we double check these before posting?
We're just here to create the next Pepe Silvia
#1 Starbucks Isn’t Actually That Busy
Here’s a fun one to make the chaos that is the modern day “coffee shop” a little more bearable. The theory goes that in order to keep employees busy and keep them off the streets of union forming, Starbucks will generate a bunch of fake mobile orders their employees need to prepare, scream out, and then ultimately throw in the trash. The cost of supplies that get wasted is cheaper than paying your employees a livable wage!
Who needs that much shitty food?
#2 American Sports Are All Scripted, But The Scripts Are Written By Interns
Hollywood has gotten old and bloated, so naturally film studios looked outward to create a more nurturing environment for the young writers of their future box office blockbusters. They landed upon the unscripted world of athletics. After signing major backroom deals with the NFL, MLB, and NBA, film studios sent young talent across the country to begin writing daily scripts for even the most mundane of match-ups.
Even though we now know this, it still doesn’t explain why the Bears continue to lose to the Packers. Maybe the Bear’s ownership has a soft spot for morally questionable QBs from Green Bay, or maybe they just hate their fans.
The actual game had last minute rewrites for a Chief's victory
#3 Dogs Are Actually Aliens Sent To Spy On Us
What’s the most successful marketing campaign of all time? You’d be surprised to learn that it’s actually referring to dogs as “Man’s Best Friend.” In the late 1930, Earth was visited by an alien civilization that was becoming increasingly alarmed with our quickening sprint to exterminate each other. Alien scientists feared we would wipe ourselves out, so they invented dogs to act as our guardians and make sure we temper our violent urges.
They also collect data and send it back to the mother ship. Why do you think it’s so easy to idly chit chat with a dog? Those things are light years more evolved than we’ll ever be. Also, every photo of a dog prior to 1938 is actually a forgery to convince us we’ve always loved these manipulative bastards the entire time.
We're on to you, Cujo
#4 Sugar Is Actually The Best Energy Source On Earth
In the early 2000s, it was discovered that burning sugar for energy was 15,000 times more efficient than oil. This sent shock waves through the corporate world. Soon after, there was an influx of anti-sugar propaganda aimed at reducing public consumption. Reports were everywhere on how sugar makes you fat and how low-carb diets are the healthy way to eat.
Synthetic replacements were hastily made, and are actually the things that makes you fat (potentially a legit theory). They also made the synthetic replacement taste uncanny and chemical like in the hopes you’d write off sugar all together and the rich would never again have to worry about anyone wanting to eat the power source of the future.
The real white gold
#5 Music Has Always Been Written By Computers
Everyone fears the creative takeover of AI, but it’s already happened. In the early 1950s, sounds as an art did not exist. People just sat around all day listening to their thoughts. What a sad existence! Fortunately, a supercomputer created by IBM changed that forever. Every major artist you know and love is actually actors miming out sounds created by the 1950s supercomputer. The computer was able to back-date sheet music for “classical music”, as well as the grainy recordings of the early 1900s.
The Beatles, Rhianna, Nirvana, and even N’sync all had their music written for them. The band personas were are all created by a government agency called the Ministry for Unique Sound Injection to Culture (M.U.S.I.C.) to best represent the vibe of the songs and build large fan bases. Also, did we mention that one IBM computer wrote every song and created every musical genre that exists and will ever exist? Crazy what scientists can do when you invest in R&D.
DJ CPU busy in the studio writing "WAP" for Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion
Bonus: Your Fingers Are Hot Dogs And Your Brain Adjusts The Image
This is just a fun one to make “Everything Everywhere All At Once” real life cannon.
If you believe any of these, may every higher power have mercy on your soul.