top of page

7 Crocs Products That No One Asked For

Updated: Jan 26, 2022



Crocs turns 20 years old in 2022. Since it's inception, the love-it, hate-it foam clog conglomerate has sold over 700 million pairs and captured the hearts and soles of millions in the US and 89 other countries around the world where the shoes are sold. Crocs also grosses over $1 billion in annual sales according to their About Crocs page. The controversial clogs were originally intended for boat shoe use, but 2000's popular culture had much bigger and weirder plans for these foam cheese boaties. In its two decades, Crocs has evolved beyond the classically terrible foam shoes. New collaborations with musicians like Nicki Minaj, Post Malone, and Justin Bieber have opened the flood gates for Crocs customization and crock style. The Crocs market is booming and with the boom inevitably comes many busts. We're talking about Crocs after all. Therefore, we present to you 7 Crocs products that are clear-cut examples of the crock style that has infected our pop culture. Burn them, burn them all...



1. High Heel Crocs

Why good lord, why? These heels say "I'm fancy and comfortable, but mainly I'm a trash person." The Crocenstein monsters, referred to as simply Croc heels, are an abomination. However, they were initially released to positive reviews. While the internet was confused and concerned, Croc heels made a niche market for itself. We're still not sure how or why....





2. Camo Crocs

Camo Crocs feel contradictory. A display of nature, but a direct disconnect from it. A cozy escape. If you're out hunting in the woods, is the first thing you think to wear your comfortable and strategically camouflaged Crocs? Do the same clogs that you slopped around the house all day in need to be camo? Or do people buy an extra pair of camo Crocs just for hunting and other nature-camouflage purposes? I'm sure it's just a style, but it's still a terrible one.



3. Crocs Boots

Alright, the boots pictured here aren't actually for sale; Busch posted the graphic as a joke a few years back during the Crocs boots craze. However, Crocs boots are a very real tragedy. Most resemble the freak lovechild of Crocs and Ugg boots. Yet if you think these boots are in any way utilitarian, (waterproof, puddle and snow proof) you'd be sadly mistaken. They still have holes in the top. How far will our society go to be comfortable?



4. Croc Nuts

That's right, these crocks are putting nut sacks on their smelly-ass clogs. Why? We're not sure, but they come in many shapes, sizes, and colors. Some hang lower on the left nut, others on the right. Some glow in the dark, others are harry. No two nuts are the same. However, every nut that wears Croc nuts is the same type of batshit crazy.




5. Steve Irwin Croc Hunter Sticker

Okay, I actually really like this off-brand Crocs product. I found at least five other stickers like it on Etsy. If I didn't despise Crocs, I might even buy one. The Crocs community on Etsy, Redbubble, and other craft e-commerce sites are thriving. If you decide to dive down the Crocs rabbit hole, you'll find custom shirts, mugs, charms, keychains, door mats, and much more. Charms to stick in the holes of Crocs seem to be the most popular, but I like the Crocs shirts the best. Imagine some crock wearing a "Crocs and Glocks" shirt or "The Party Don't Start 'Til I Croc In" shirt. You've gotta have some big ole Croc nuts to be walking around donning those shirts.



6. Custom Crocs

Customization is fun, but these people have gone too far. Nicholas Cage's face should never be on a pair of shoes, let alone Crocs. However, Croc customization is on the rise. Not everyone customizes with a face, some Crocs are now bejeweled with rhinestones and others rep an astonishing amount of bling. Crocs trying to be fashionable is like Nicholas Cage trying to act in a respectable movie. In 2022, it simply can't be done.




7. Crocs

Hell yes, I'm including Crocs on this list. These little monsters started it all. I'm sorry, but they're dumb and always smell as if your feet died in them. The soles somehow manage to capture all the sweat and grime built up in your shoe throughout the day and never let that stench go. I beg of you - stop buying these shoes people! Only together can we topple this clog conglomerate. We must stand up for what is right and decent. We must take to the streets and chant "No more! We don't want your smelly-ass cheese boaties". And, we must follow our inherent instinct to throw them away because they have holes in them.


35 views0 comments

Comments


bottom of page