Updated: May 6, 2022
Chicago, IL - Laura Pennies, Female, 37, was struck by a CTA Bus on Thursday morning as she was leaving FastVaxx on North Halstead. A bystander on the the scene had this to say:
“Yeah, she was uh leaving the FastVaxx. She like almost ran out. And she was screaming, “I’m gonna live forever!” Then she slipped on a half eaten Impossible Whopper and got fucking slammed by this bus.”
Pennies is in critical condition at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center. Her family has been unable to visit her because she tested positive for Covid antibodies. They’re currently sitting in the waiting room watching Hulu on their iPads with no headphones.
Albert Bourla, CEO of Pfizer, issued this statement:
“We at Pfizer are deeply saddened to hear of the adverse effects our vaccine has had on Miss Pennies and her family. We are dedicated to safety and quality at Pfizer. Effective immediately, Pfizer will be officially rolling back the vaccine until we can assure no such occurrence happens again.”
The CTA Bus that hit Pennies is currently being held in a detention center for further questioning.