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What Tom Cruise's Teeth Teach Us About Politics

Updated: May 19, 2020

In the Kardashian age where fame seems to stem from nowhere and accomplish nothing but sell Pepsi, I think there is a lot we can all learn from Tom Cruise. From his advocacy for, and outspoken support of the church, we learn that spirituality is a source of great strength. From his divorce with Kidman, we take the lesson that we should never settle in our own relationships. From his incredible grip strength, we discover that if we ever find ourselves on the wing of an airplane mid takeoff, that a little bravery goes a long way.

Perhaps the greatest lesson of Cruise, however, comes from his mouth. More specifically, his teeth, and more specifically yet, their alignment. With the aid of special state of the art computer graphics, we can analyze the structure of the stars grin, and the results may shock you:

That’s right, Tom’s right central incisor falls directly in the middle of his face. Now, many of you might be shocked at this revelation, but I contend that Tom’s pearly whites are actually a carefully coded statement.

Social media has made our political landscape a minefield, and algorithms run amok, amplifying the loudest voices and destroying confidence in our democracy. The left cancels without due process, while the right’s worst actors gain traction in a stagnating economy for the 99%. You might think that no one with an ounce of common sense could make a mark in this climate, as they get battered by magical thinking and idiocy from both sides of the political divide.

You might think that, but Cruise found a way. His tooth, shining brightly through our cables, out our television sets, and into our homes, proudly shouts one clear message:

“Come to the middle.”

Come to the middle so we can find the kernels of truth in the positions of all our political actors. Come to the middle so that we can repair our broken institutions. And come to the middle so that we can be one country, possibly again, or possibly for the first time.

You might call it the “Golden Mean Fallacy”, but I call it the wisdom of the tooth. God bless you Tom, and god bless the United States of America.

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