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‘Unfortunate Side Effect Of Moderna Is That It Turns You Into A Fucking Square’ Says Pfizer CEO

Updated: May 6, 2022


NEW YORK, NY--Albert Bourla, CEO of Pfizer, said this morning in a press conference that the Moderna Vaccine "turns you into a fucking square" which is unfortunate news for the 20 million+ people who have taken Moderna since it first started to be administered at the tail end of 2020. Bourla continued to say that those who have taken the Moderna vaccine are more than likely to wear socks at the beach, tuck their tee shirts into their jeans, and breathe predominantly through their mouths. Bourla mentioned that he doesn't condone violence but if you happen to walk by someone who is vaccinated with Moderna and you feel the urge to give them a swirly, or swat whatever they’re holding out of their hands then it's in your best interest to let those feelings out and express yourself comfortably. He suggested that maybe Pfizer vaxxer's should attach signs that say "kick me" to the backs of Moderna vaxxer's. He continued to suggest various pranks, like tee-peeing Moderna Vaxxers houses, covering their cars in shaving cream, and, if possible, lining the inside of their shower heads with Kool-Aid powder so that their shower turns into a terrifying bloody sticky mess and burns the image into their heads that Moderna won't keep them safe forever. Only Pfizer can guarantee safety. Albert Bourla was happy to answer any questions that reporters had.

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