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Uhhh, Sure. CEO of Coca-Cola Claims That They're The Only Soft Drink In Support Of Single Mothers

Updated: May 6, 2022


Earlier today CEO of Coca-Cola, James Quincey, said in a press conference that their beverage is the only soft drink that officially supports single mothers. Chalk that up as a win, I guess.


"All a child needs is a household filled with love, support, and ice cold refreshing Coca-Cola." Quincy said passionately to a packed auditorium. "Not every family can meet the stereotypical standards of the average american household and that's okay." He continued to shout over thunderous applause.


"Some children grow up with single mothers and I want both the children and the Mother's to know that we fully support them and that no other soft drink company stands by their side." Behind him both an American flag and a Coca-Cola banner started to unravel from the ceiling and hover a few inches above the stage.


"Some of our competitors might tell you otherwise. Pepsi-Cola, Dr. Pepper, and Jarritos, to name a few." Quincy said through gritted teeth. "But do not be fooled by their arrogance, haughtiness, or vapid disbelief's. The only soft drink that will ever be there for you and your bastard children is Coca-Cola!" He shouted as sparklers rained down from the ceiling and "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N’ Roses blared through the speaker.


”In fact" Quincy began with a slight pause in his speech. "Today we are declaring that the Coca-Cola Polar Bear be the first and only single mother mascot for any food or beverage hence forth until the end of time." He stammered, pounding his fist into the podium while the audience cheered and rallied with every word spat at them.


From stage left came a person dressed in a polar bear costume wearing an apron and holding the keys to a mini van. Behind her were two kids dressed as baby polar bears. One of which was wearing a baseball cap and throwing a ball into a glove on its left hand. The other one was holding what looked to be a violin case. The Mama bear still had her hair up in curlers. She looked tired but excited. The entire audience gave a collective "aweee."


"Sweet Child O' Mine" started to fade out and James Quincy looked at the audience and said, "When you drink Coca-Cola, you drink love." The three polar bears walked over to him at his podium and the four came together for a group embrace. The lights in the auditorium cut out for mere seconds, but when they came back on, all four of them had vanished from the stage.


It's great to see that major companies are finally starting to take a stand!

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