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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Tortoise, France Mistakenly Flooded With Cycling Enthusiasts

TORTOISE, FRANCE - In early 2003, French officials handed down the strongest of sanctions on a small village in southern France due to an incident involving the town's mayor, a tiger, and a Vegas-style show gone wrong. The punishment included complete removal of the town from all worldwide maps until 2040. Up until 2022, the embargo has worked perfectly, as the town has ceased to exist in everyone but the inhabitants' minds. However, map-making leaks recently became available, leading to a mass migration to the homo-phonically named town due to many confusing the village as the starting point of the famous French cycling race. While most have respected the town’s wishes to be a silent addition back into society, a select few heinous individuals have flocked to Tortoise. These wicked few can be identified by their yellow Live Strong bracelets, tightly fitting singlets, and constantly worn head gear of the protective kind.

Unfortunately, the little known town actually has almost zero affiliation with the national bike race, besides sharing a country of origin. In fact, the local government has been actively promoting against the race, going so far as to sabotage the race in 2021 with a suicide signer.

Tortoise has begun a legal campaign to sue the French government, but it is expected to take eight to ten years to enter preliminary hearings. After that, if not too tired and out of lettuce, Tortoise plans to plead its case in front of a district judge.

In related news, Tortoise has been selected as the main filming location for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle live-action remake scheduled for release in 2025. Cowabunga dude!

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