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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Top 15 Concessions Made By Kevin McCarthy To Become Speaker of the House

Late in the evening of January 7th and into the morning of January 8th 2023, voting for the next Majority Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives raged on, with Republicans internally split. Backroom deals were cut, mainly with the Republican holdouts of the Freedom Caucus, eventually ending on the 15th vote on the next Speaker of the House. We've put together a list of the top concessions California Representative Kevin McCarthy made, one for each vote it took to finally elect him.

 

1. Taco Tuesday 3 days a week

Why wait a week when you can have it every other weekday?



2. Members get to bang gavel to open Congress like at the NY Stock Exchange

The bigger the gavel, the greater the power.



3. Everyone gets a free library card

Yeah these are already free, but not every elected official is smart enough to know that.



4. Members get to name McCarthy's next child

Maybe they'll go with something like "Freedom" or "Hope", but more likely they'll choose "Theelectionwasstolen McCarthy"



5. Get to pinch run during a Nationals' game

Let's hope they don't get injured and end up on the IR.



6. House overnight lock-ins to give Freedom Caucus the socialization they desperately need

Socialization is key to avoid polarization.



7. Marjorie Taylor Greene gets 15 minutes to explain the "Conspiracy of the Day"

I hear she's got binders full of everything she's collected over the years. Maybe one day they'll end up in the Library of Congress.



8. Freedom Caucus gets to start their own frat with Brett Kavanaugh

They also get to haze Kevin McCarthy, but he is blacklisted from joining.



9. Matt Gaetz gets first dibs on the next batch of 16 year old interns

"Eye fucking is not a crime" Gaetz was quoted as saying.



10. Bring back real dog and pony shows

We don't know what they are either, but it's sure to be the most entertaining thing on C-SPAN.



11. A mini fridge for their office, a framed photo of Ronald Regan, an extra desk monitor, paperclips, printer cartridges, index cards, white out, sticky notes, a red stapler, #2 pencils, notepads, and a subscription to Brazzers

Sly to slip that in at the end ;)



12. Republicans get to wear Lincoln's top hat while they make speeches

Dignified speeches deserve distinguished attire. At least they'll have the attire.



13. Marjorie Taylor Greene gets to opens a Space Force investigation on "Jewish Space Lasers"

We promise that article we linked is real. Santa, watch your six.



14. Wednesday Night lineups of Gladiator fights under the House Chamber followed by an evening of Bingo

Debating legislation can get so boring some days.



15. Freedom Caucus gets to open their own pizza chain called "Pizza Gaetz"

Matt Gaetz has signed a contract promising to only employ people over 18 years old and that there will be no basement to the building.


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