In a story that is rocking the world, (it definitely is, shut up Jeff, you're a shitty step dad) FTX announced it was being bailed out by competing crypto company Binance. FTX was previously thought as the top dog of the crypto world, but like many other failed money launderers, they too are tapping out. Only this time, the surprising twist is that a fellow crypto company is coming to the rescue. Who'd have thought there would be honor amongst thieves? Maybe if all my finance bros were as supportive as Binanace, my failed investment in Peloton would have just been a learning opportunity. Instead it is the defining moment of my life, and none of my family loves or talks to me anymore. I cry myself to sleep every night, all alone. And I didn't even get one of those stupid bikes with all that stock.
Anyways, after my baffling defeat in the market of stocks, I had a choice. Live on the streets, or sell out to corporate greed. I chose the roof option and got an apartment after signing a house sponsorship with FTX. They agreed to cover 69 months of rent, ha nice, as long as I traded on their platform and tattooed their logo on my forehead. Jokes on them, I was planning to wear a gas mask at all times to avoid the inevitable super plague I knew was coming. Just normal business for me, pulling the wool on yet another company. I mean it's my first time, but I'm sure there will be more.
To tell you the truth, even though my life is going to shit now, I feel bad for the Miami Heat for losing their stadium sponsor in FTX. I mean $135 mill is a lot for naming rights, but at least they're not getting kicked out of the home they've yet to pay even a deposit on...or maybe not? We should probably check with the citizens of the city of Miami before making that claim.
We hear that the top bidders for the new naming rights is Mark Cuban, hoping that the confusion between his last name and the vibrant culture in southern Florida will allow him to parent trap the U.S. Senate with Marco Rubio.