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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Chicagoons

Updated: May 17, 2020

Bean concentration levels in the Chicago River were found to be at dangerously high levels following a Facebook event encouraging Chicagoons to "bean the river." Event organizer, Keith Miller, was quoted as saying "Imma do what I wanna, gonna make a scene. Don’t eat no bananas, only pork and beans." Miller was later spotted giving out his patented "Sloppy Joes", a handshake caked in bean mash and bread crumbs. When asked if he prefers Heinz or Hormel, Miller looked down the barrel of the camera with an icy glare and said, "I harvest my own, baby". Several hours after the event, Miller is being sought for his connection to a heist at the Chicago Public Library, where hundreds of Highlights magazines were stolen.





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