Updated: May 6, 2022
Look, I'm not happy about it either. I for one enjoy writing funny little jokes and giggling to myself as I type away at my computer. But lets be real, this satire thing isn't working. It's about time we start considering espionage. I'm not trying to do anything dangerous or unethical, I'm only trying to break into the Joke Vault over at The Onion Headquarters. I need a team of like minded individuals who all have their own unique set of skills. I need a guy who's into gadgets. I'll probably call him Gizmo. I'd like him to make a gun that works in space, a car that can dig holes underground, and a flower that I wear on my lapel that's also a hand grenade. Gizmo is going to spend most of his time in our secret headquarters which will most likely be underneath an abandoned phone booth. I'm going to need a respected yet intimidating boss type. I’ll call them The Executive. Somebody who looks good sitting across a mahogany desk and can confidently throw files onto a table. Someone who says things like "This is a big one K--. Operation Onion Peel." If this person can sip on whiskey and stare concerningly out a giant window, or hang their head in despair when the operation goes awry, that'd be greatly appreciated. I'm going to need a lady who looks great in a cocktail dress and isn't afraid of coy conversations. I'll probably give her a codename that resembles natural beauty like Rose or Sycamore. If she has a gun that fits into a handbag or a blade hidden in a hair clip then she's got the job. Extra points if she's not afraid to wear lipstick that's laced with cyanide. I'm not going to ask her to gain trust by sleeping with the enemy, but I'm not stopping her either. You have to keep your eyes on the prize. We're breaking into The Onion's Joke Vault, which is on the top floor of Onion Towers in downtown Chicago. This will be heavily guarded.
I've been working on my ballet, so I'll be able to dance my way through the laser guarded hallway. I only have enough C-4 explosives hidden in my shoe to be able to blast through the first three layers of the vault. So unless Sycamore is able to coerce the vault combination while she's talking to The Onion CEO downstairs at the gala then we're going to need something more precise in order to break into that final layer. Gizmo can probably whip us up a pen with a laser in it or a flower on my other lapel that's also a buzz saw. Keep in my mind while all of this is happening The Executive will have their finger on a big red button that they'll only press if I've been compromised. When pressed, this button will activate a nanochip located in my spine which will cause me to explode instantaneously. It is up to us, as a team, to make sure that this doesn't happen. I can't do this on my own. Gizmo, The Executive, and Sycamore (who I might rename to Death Valley) will need to be working in perfect tandem with each other so that I can steal the jokes out of The Onion's Joke Vault. Right now we're doing open applications. Anybody who thinks they fit these roles should definitely apply. Send an email with your cover letter and resume to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include your name, a little bit about yourself, and which role you're applying for, and we'll get back to you in the coming weeks for interviews.