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  • Writer's pictureChewe

North Is Up, South Is Down: Orienteering 101

I know you've all heard it before, but you're dumb and we need to teach the youth how to read maps, yet again...So here we go with the basics of map reading, you dummies.

Let's take a look at a map:

See how easy it is to read? Why couldn't you do that without me telling you to do it?

Anyways....So now that we know the left side is always heavier than the right, that means water always runs that way. We also need to acknowledge that the slopes always run uphill and that's how they get their steepness. Don't ask me why they do that, they're weird blobs of earth after all. Now look at the cities. They're always located on the wet side of the trees. Coincidence? I don't think so. Don't know which direction that is? Just find the city and there you go. They already figured it out for you. Stop being so dumb.

Now for the question you're probably truly asking since you're lost in an endless forest and decided to read this article. First off, you're fucked. This was not the training you needed, we apologize and will mourn your passing. Thoughts and prayers in the comments. Sorry you ended up here, but check out our other articles for a good laugh in your final moments. Second, always follow the rats since they are survivors. No rats? That means nothing can live there. We aren't responsible for you wandering into those zones and that's why you're going to die.

In conclusion, the ideas of maps is weird. Like who thought that was a thing they should make? Who are the weirdos that still (at this point in time the Earth has satellites flying around it mapping it at all times) thought that they would prove the big blue stuff is land?

So now we've reached the end and we need to ask, why'd you read this far? Tell us how we trapped you and we'll let you out. We appreciate your feedback. Thank you for your time.

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