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New Cults We’re Really Going To Get Into This Year


Out with the old, in with the new. Being part of an upstanding organization is soooo 2022. That’s why we’re putting together our own, potentially less savory, groups in 2023. Groups come in many shapes and colors, but the more unhinged, the more exciting or so they say. Who’s they? Well that’s level seven knowledge and you only just joined. Crystals, magic words, or summoning spirits, what poison will you pick? No matter how we make it out, here are our best attempts at new world orders.

 

#1: Blue Oyster Cult

Yeah, they’re not as big as they used to be in the 70s. But, 2020’s have been a big decade for comebacks so far. Grab your cowbell and join the thousand of people who will ring in their momentous return.



#2: The Bicycle Cult

There's this mythical group of individuals that possess great power and wisdom. It is said that this knowledge was handed down to them by their parents, and is a heavily guarded secret. To attain such power, individuals are granted spiritual head wear, tiny wheels, and garments to be worn around the kneecap. As they age these accoutrements are slowly taken away, and as if by magic, these children glide over pavement on their mechanical beast. This will be the year I shall attain this sacred knowledge, but first I need to find a parent to kidnap. Wish me luck.



#3: The Bacon Cult

Pretty self explanatory cult. They worship the belly fat of swine and sacrifice at least twelve members a month. Ya’know, pretty typical stuff. They exclusively drink Sunny-D and howl at the sun while playing Yahtzee on the 5th of every other month. Ya’know, run of the mill cult activities. They tickle each other’s ear lobes until they bleed, then use that lobe blood for Kool-Aid mix that they sell outside the local Costco to unsuspecting patrons who over time develop a taste for human blood unknowingly. Ya’know, just basic cult shenanigans.



#4: Cult of the Tok

TikTok continues to dominate the zeitgeist with Instagram and YouTube copying the popular short form video model with their own Reels and Shorts. This year, we should all give in. Give your data to the Chinese government that is.



#5: Cult-ure

Before I found Cult-ure I was eating buttered noodles for 3 meals a day. This amazing cult changes up depending on their location, members, and their history. Find a group near you to see what unique art, ritualistic dances, and uniforms they have.



#6: The Dan Brown Cult

No, we don't worship Mr. Brown, but we do want to be in his next book. We dedicate ourselves to creating mysterious puzzles, vague connections to powerful people and institutions, and even force members to fake their own deaths. We haven't yet attracted Dan's attention, but he's surely heard of us, right?



#7: The Amish

Electricity is scary, okay? Have you ever seen the light go out of someone's eyes as the electricity courses through them? Have you ever seen that happen after they were already dead? My cousin Ezekiel told me it's a real possibility and he's seen it hundreds of times. In fact, he even gave me a fork and told me to stick it in an outlet so he could see it again. What a cool guy. I'm going off the (electric) grid y'all.



#8: Air Bud Cult

Every week, we gather to watch the Air Bud cinematic masterpieces and write our own fan-fiction. We're currently working on an epic where Air Bud squares off against Godzilla in a jet ski competition in Miami. Although Godzilla came to us from the depths of the ocean, his balance on tiny water skis is tenuous, with plenty of splashes and falls. Our hero Air Bud sees this weakness as an opportunity to help and make a new friend, and Bud and Zilla win the coveted Miami Water Skiing Championship!



#9: The Cult of Extraordinary Gentlemen

They’re sort of like the minor leagues for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen except that they don’t solve mysteries and don’t have a Sean Connery. But overall, they’re pretty neat dudes. They meet on Tuesdays which is currently when I have rec league shuffleboard. But, I’m willing to hang up the tang and biscuits to rub elbows with some swell gentlemen. Plus, it’d look really good on a resume.



#10: My Friend Jimmy’s Cult

My friend Jimmy’s cult is the COOLEST cult. They hangout outside of gas stations and play marbles. Like woah! So cool. My friend Jimmy and his cult wear super cool leather jackets and chew on candy cigarettes that they find in garbage cans. Super cool. I swear that Jimmy and I are friends. Like we’ve talked several times so it’s just a matter of time before he asks me to join his cult. I like chewing on candy cigs and tossing marbles at the ground. Why can’t I be part of his cult? HUH?! Why wouldn’t he include me!?! I DESERVE IT! I swear to God, if Jimmy doesn’t ask me to join, I WILL BURN HIM ALIVE!! I’VE DONE IT BEFORE AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN!!


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