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  • Writer's pictureChewe

More Doors, More Problems: U.S. Republicans Applaud French For Reducing Fan Entrances From 5 to 1

Updated: May 28, 2022

PARIS, FRANCE - The Champions League Final was struck with controversy before the first whistle. After what appeared to to be an act of poor planning on the part of the French security, they responded with tear gas and a reduction in the Liverpool fan entrances from five to one.

In response, Liverpool fans were outraged, with some going as far as jumping the barricades. While many football fans, soccer if you will, expressing frustration with UEFA (Union of European Football Associations) and the French security force. U.S. Republicans latched onto the issue as an opportunity to promote their new "One Door Entry" policy they have been talking up on national media for schools.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz was quoted as saying, "You see, it works. No one died. Everyone eventually got in, and tear gas was correctly deployed. I always get a little chub when the tear gas comes out. I think it brings out my best feature." Cruz followed up this last sentence with a wink at the camera, and gave the reporter a card with his direct line for any interested supporters that wanted to reach out.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott released a statement, "I am not a fan of high numbers. I think my high score is 24. I sympathize with those 4th graders. I don't think they can count that high either. Our Texan ancestors gutted the school system, so I know those kids are dumb too. I'd be surprised if they could get to 12 nowadays. Let's just stick with one door for all our sake."

Fire control experts that have been asked about the merit of the one door plan, have been quoted as saying, "Are they f****** stupid? This is the worst decision you could possibly make" and "I think it's a great way to kill a lot of people if that's what you're aiming for."

Beto O'Rourke had comments that were way too reasonable to print, so we'll let you do your own research. At least there's one thing we can all agree on when all is said and done #fuckramos

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