Dan Harrison recently discovered after an intense study of his heritage that he is distantly related to the first lizard person to visit earth. Similar to those that trace their heritage to Genghis Khan or Charlemagne, Dan was ecstatic to find that he shared the same blood as Dvorak Ambrosiac, the 7th ruler of Klixtog-Borasch in the Andromeda galaxy.
Harrison originally began his research after cutting himself while shaving and finding that his blood burnt through the porcelain sink. Originally thinking he had a congenital disease, he has since found an intense desires to subjugate the human race and feast on their bones, a shared trait of the Ambrosian bloodline.
Through tracing Ambrosiac’s lusty conquests, Harrison was able to identify five main family branches, two of which are responsible for all politicians the world over. The third branch has birthed many Hollywood elites, while the fourth has its roots deeply in the financial sectors of all major nations.
The fifth branch however, Harrison’s lineage, is made up mostly of recluses, monks, and 50 year old men that live in their Mom’s basement. Harrison was disappointed to find this, saying “It makes sense. I fit the profile, but that doesn’t take out the sting. I was hoping that I’d be directly related to Queen Elizabeth or something. I’d even take Ted Cruz, but no such luck…I am related to the guy who gave the Buddha the idea to sit under the tree where he eventually found enlightenment which is pretty cool.”
After spending five months researching, Harrison plans to continue his efforts and travel to Vatican City to search the Papal archives for more family members. “I hear there’s a lot of clergy members that I may be related to. I conservatively estimate around 80%”.
While the family line lives on strong, Harrison has confirmed there is no connection to some prominent people that have been suggested by conspiracy theorists. “George Soros, completely clean. The Clintons too. Jay Z and Beyoncé are only honorary members of the Illuminati. Usually you have to be part of the bloodline to join, but how can you turn down Béy?”
Harrison plans to release his findings in a book set to release in late June 2022 tentatively titled “Bring the Heat: How the Ambrosiac Lineage Has Changed the World”.
When asked what he thinks of his ancestor that started it all, Harrison laughs and says “I bet Dvorak got lonely one night and decided he’d have sex with a human instead of eating them. The rest is history.”