PENSACOLA, FL - A local Holiday Inn recently reported major damages to one of their rooms committed by a Florida man vacationing in the area. The damage was extensive, totaling $2.5k, including damage to furniture, a broken window, multiple holes in the wall, and a urine soaked mattress.
Investigators at first thought it stemmed from a domestic dispute, but soon found that only one person was occupying the room for the week. They struggled to contact the man who had rented the room, but were eventually able to get in touch four days later. When asked the cause of the damage, the man simply responded, “No bottle opener.”
Initial investigations of the scene found garbage cans overflowing with bottles of Heineken. The kicker: the bottles are twist off…
The Florida native eventually elaborated, saying, “I don't usually buy the fancy stuff, so I had to MacGyver it, so I started using the TV stand edge to open [the bottles]. After that snapped off and the TV crashed to the floor, I said f*** it, and started using the end tables. As I got more drunk, I’d fall backwards from the force when they finally cracked, and yeah, I probably put a few holes in the walls on accident.”
He continued, “I got so drunk I tried to make some art out of the holes, so I took one of the chairs and threw it into the wall. It ended up getting stuck. That night I fell asleep on the floor admiring my art.”
When asked why he never asked hotel staff for a bottle opener or bought one from a local store, the man said he never considered it. “It was probably the dehydration or heat stroke from the day before when I fell asleep on the beach. When I stumbled back to my room, I wasn’t right in the head. I even tried to buy s*** off of QVC and I think I got on the live show.”
He did in fact get on QVC and the clip has since gone viral on the internet. A majority of the conversation is the Florida man trying to flirt with the male host, eventually devolving into him talking about how much he loves the ocean and how he dreams to be a mermaid one day. The later segment has become a meme after a short snip of it was posted to TikTok with “Ocean Man” by Ween playing behind it.
“I don’t know what happened after that, but it probably got wild. All in all it was a great vacation.”
Holiday Inn plans to take the man to small claims court for repayment of the damages. When asked if he plans to repay, the Florida man said, “Hell naw. I’m on that catch me if you can s***. I’m a ghost. I’d like to see them try.”
The Florida State Police have arrested the Florida man after it was found there was multiple warrants out for his arrest on such charges as selling tobacco products to minors, petty theft, and trespassing on a neighbors property where he apparently attempted to steal all the water from the pool with a small bucket to fill his own inflatable pool. When he was asked for the reasoning of the water theft, he responded, “They won’t let me buy chlorine no more after I tried to make fireworks with it last July.”
The neighbor was quoted as saying, “It was a joy to watch. He’d spill everything as he tried to climb back over the fence, so he hopped it like 200 plus times. The gate isn’t even locked, so we were wondering when he’d figure it out, but he never did.”