I want to say that the best way to learn is by making mistakes, but honestly, I’m shocked that this guy leaves his house without bringing his tap dancing shoes with him on a regular basis. What’re you going to do if you’re walking down the street and the mailman is whistling a tune that erupts the entire block into a dance recital? Or let’s say it’s late at night and you’re walking home from a long day in the office, you decide to take a shortcut through an alleyway but you’re stopped by a neighborhood tough wearing a leather jacket and eating an apple with a knife. What next? Ask for a bite of the apple? Nonsense. You need to have your tap dancing shoes ready in order to dance away moments of confrontation.
And that’s where Leonard Sullivan made the most detrimental fuck up of his entire pathetic life. Last week he matched with this girl on hinge who recently moved to town from out of state. Her name‘s Connie and she graduated from Baylor. Her profile was filled with great stuff like “After work you can find me sipping on wine,“ or, “For the table I buy wings...and tequila!” Or even something a little more honest like; “Don’t make fun of me for majoring in art history, my loans are punishment enough.” What a fun person, am I right? We all know the type, Mama’s apple pie—the Fourth of July!
As great as Connie is, leave it up to Captain Leonard “Dumbass” Sullivan to leave his only pair of tap dancing shoes by the front door.
It was right there next to the baseball bat he used to hit the winning home run at his senior year state championship. He hit it right out of the park! Everybody was chearing all loud and the news was there and everything! Later that night, at the diner, he was celebrating with some of the fellas and a few girls walked in. They sat right by them and congratulated the fellas on a good win. They were all smoking cigarettes and drinking milkshakes. One of them had the mind to slip on their tap dancing shoes. Before you knew it the whole diner went into a late night “doo wop” number. Even the fry cook was tapping along.
You’d think after having a life defining moment like that you’d remember to take your tap dancing shoes with you whenever you’re going out. Especially when you’re getting dinner with a sweetheart like Connie.
They had a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant on the west side of town. Leonard was nice enough to pay for the whole thing. As they were leaving they looked out the front door and little rain drops were beginning to soak the pavement outside. Connie suggested that they wait it out. “Maybe get a night cap at the bar.”
Out of nowhere the hostess suggested to go down the street two blocks “there’s a great bar that serves a mean old fashioned. Here, take my umbrella.” She handed a red umbrella to Leonard as a live band in the next room started quietly singing “doo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo.” Slowly you could hear “Singing in the Rain” build up as Leonard Sullivan looked down at his shoes and realized that he wore vans. His left one had a hole in it.
They decided to walk to the bar together in silence. Connie said she wasn’t upset but it looked like she was crying. She insisted it was rain water even though they had an umbrella.
As great as Leonard is, Connie could do better. I just hope she realizes it.
