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  • Writer's pictureChewe

God Is Dead, Now Taking Applications

Updated: Jul 23, 2022

Did you hear the news? One of the all time greats just passed, and that means an opportunity for you!


Minimum Requirements

  • 2 Billion years of management experience (or equivalent playtime in Civ 5)

  • At least 3 major religions centered around your existence

  • Published a book that is a top 10 all time best seller. Even better if it was published on your behalf.


Our Hiring Process:

  1. You find this article.

  2. You read this article.

  3. You have the required skills.

  4. You have nothing planned for the next 13.7 billion years.

  5. You apply.

  6. We give you the keys to the universe.

  7. You smite us for some reason that makes sense to you, but we spend the rest of our lives trying to discern the meaning of. Pouring countless hours into meditation and prayer, all while trying to live a clean and healthy life that is free from sin and evil, just to one day die out of nowhere, having only completed a small portion of the goals we set for ourselves and that we were only mildly committed to.

  8. I mean with social media nowadays so prevalent and accessible, it's so easy to fall off the horse and endlessly compare yourself to others. To try and chase trends relentlessly until you forget what your actual personality was to begin with.

  9. Then get older and realize you’re no longer cool and that no matter what you do or say, you’ll always be labeled as past your prime, or as an attention seeker that wants to be young again.

  10. You do the normal 9-5 for decades and eventually realize that the only real desire you have in your heart is to be comfortable, and even if that means watching Netflix for two days straight and not bathing or sleeping, you’re still okay with it.

  11. Y'know what I mean?

  12. We eventually die and you don't let us into heaven or whatever good afterlife ending the game has. We were going to hate you anyways, but now we have a reason. See you in hell.

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