top of page

Fuck, Really? This Zoltar Just Told Me That I Should've Majored In Accounting

Updated: May 6, 2022

Goddammit. This really yucked my yum. I was walking down the street this morning and I happened upon a Zoltar. I gave him $1.25 in quarters and he immediately told me that I wasted my four years in college majoring in English and that I should've majored in accounting. What a fucking bummer. He said that majoring in English was a fools errand and that it was pretty vain of me to think I could actually write something worth reading. I told him that he hurt my feelings and I would appreciate it if he took back what he said. He retorted, telling me that I was being a little bitch and that my future was getting lamer and lamer with every word I said to him. Which I thought was a pretty rough thing to say to a guy you've just met, but I didn't know how to tell him that without actually telling him that so I just stood there with my mouth closed looking at him. And he was all like "Okay dipshit, here's your future. In five months time you're going to lose your job and move back in with your parents. They're going to be supportive but in actuality they're retiring and getting ready to move to a new house. Their new place is going to be a downgrade in size but an overall nicer home. They aren't sure what to do because their dumbass son can't hold down a job long enough to warrant getting his own place. So you'll move to their next house with them and end up sleeping in a room that was intended to be an at home office but now fits you comfortably with one twin sized mattress.”

And then he lifted his arms slightly and told me to give him another dollar. Which I thought was odd because it was less than my initial payment, but whatever?

So I gave him a dollar and his eyes lit back up and he opened his mouth saying “And another thing, lunchbox. You should’ve asked out Stacy when you had the chance junior year. What? Were you fucking afraid? Are you even a man if you can’t muster up a few fucking words into one sentence and end it with a question mark? No wonder everybody thinks you’re a freak. You’re an absolute freak.”

I tried to stand up for myself but he saw me open my mouth and he was like “don’t you fucking talk. I tell you when to talk.”

At that point I was all like “enough’s enough. I deserve better than this” I started walking away but he just kept screaming at me!

Maybe this Zoltar was like--a joke Zoltar, but the guy who ran the shop he was next to said he’s never seen anything like this before, and that Zoltar is usually really nice to people.

He was probably just having a bad day.

22 views0 comments


bottom of page