Updated: May 6, 2022
Tired of going for a walk in the park WITHOUT holding hands? Let me guess she's always saying you're a "great" guy? Maybe you're just ugly? Ever consider that? Ha! I'm just playin. Here are five steps to escape this platonic limbo and skip to the part where you're having awkward small talk with her extended family.
Step One -Post a photo of the two of you on your instagram and caption it with the Bad Company Lyrics "Baby, when I think about you I think about love." She will be blushing all because of you. Well that or there's some personal trainer from Cleveland in her DMs. Listen this is just ADVICE results may vary.
Step Two - Let some wild animals loose in her apartment, and amongst the chaos, just yell out "I have feelings for you!" Lets be honest, we all know a guy who knows a guy who knows this dude who has a cousin that has access to semi dangerous wild animals. Look, it's this or going back to your ex. The choice is yours.
Step Three - Take them to the beach and watch the sunset.
Step Four - Wait until they are engaged to someone else. Then, in super dramatic fashion attempt to ruin the future marriage. Life is a movie-- your movie-- so treat everyone like an extra and steal the show. As soon as you see that Facebook official announcement, decide that now is the best time to read her that poem you wrote about how she makes you feel when she walks into a room.
Step Five - Learn to love and respect yourself so you can see the value in individual friendships even if you're not getting anything romantic out of it. FUCK I'M KIDDING. Can you imagine? Ha. Anyways, heres what you're gonna do-- I can't give all the details at the moment so bare with me. It starts with putting together a super gimmicky juggling routine with an 80s soundtrack to impress her father and ends with you throwing up during the first dance at her first cousins wedding.
Well there you have it folks. That's all the time we have today. If you do all of this correctly you should be able to complete it in twenty minutes or less. Tune in next week where we discuss how to turn that divorce alimony money into more than just a trip to New Zealand.