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For the love of God. (Just one of you). by Benjamin Donahue

     Love it or hate it, Chicago is a sports town; not to the point of pure anarchistic rage like Philly (They threw batteries at Santa Claus, so perhaps they’re sports fans in the same way your dad reads Playboy for the articles).


Being in a sports city is awesome, so long as you like sports, I know who would’ve thought?

Turns out lots, lots of people don’t actually care about the outcome of a varying amount of men or women playing a children’s game. The little difference of giving a shit will make life & commuting in an endless Satré-like hellscape for anyone without even a passing interest in (insert current sports season) very different depending on the outcome that we’ve established they don’t care about.

When teams are good people are joyous or dare I say even happy, but when they’re bad at best you can hope for detached apathy to just downright rage.

(See Vancouver Stanley Cup riots for reference… I know Canadians? Crazy right?)


There is however an even further level of hell that afflicts both the cool kids & the jersey wearers alike. When an entire calendar year passes with each team being complete dog-shit. It’s actually more mathematically improbable for a city with every major sport represented to be bad, than for them all to be good. (Boston can get bent as far as I’m concerned, spoiled rotten by success.)

So what happens when the anguish of a bunch of dads & future dads screaming at their TVs bleeds into the general populace? Nothing good.


“It’s not good for mental health, if one of them is even good it helps, hell I’d even take the Fire being good at this point. ” – said a 55 year old Grabowski who said therapy & soccer was for wussies less than a year ago.


“Normally, it’s kind of funny to see a bunch of aggro-jocks dejected after a loss, but now it feels like life has just beaten the shit out of them” – some Barista who gave their quote unprompted.



“I don’t need championships, I don’t even need wins… I just would like for them to look like they know what they are doing” – Said the apathetic writer of this article.


On behalf of the great City of Chicago, this article hopes or rather pleads desperately for the the sporting franchises of the city to rise up to at least a level of mild mediocrity.



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