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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Florida Man Files Restraining Order Against Entire Population

A Florida resident recently filled a 6-foot restraining order against every person on planet Earth. The man suffers from an extreme case of claustrophobia that he claims is self diagnosed. “It’s well documented” he said. “There’s dozens of us, and most suffer in silence.”

Collecting all of the information for the court filings proved to be a daunting task. “The hardest part was gathering all the names and having the orders served to all 7.6 billion people on the planet. I had to learn the basics of at least 80 languages to make it all work. And let me tell ya, some of the legal systems out there are ass backwards. Don’t even get me started on Djibouti...”

The filings came at an inopportune time for him, with COVID-19 currently ravaging the population. “Everyone thinks it’s all about that mad swine flu disease or whatever. The truth is I just hate everyone and want to be left in peace.”

Even more unfortunate for the Florida man, he will need to continue filing as more people are born. “It’s a full time job avoiding people. It’s exhausting. They’re like fucking rabbits, man. Why do they keep doing this to me?“

If you have not received your court order, please call 1-800-382-5968, a self help hotline the man has set up for people to file the orders against themselves.

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