Whether you miss getting the Macklemore haircut at Great-Clips or sniffing the back of strangers necks without getting rude stares, these new societal norms can be challenging for all of us. Here are five things I've gathered while in quarantine that can be helpful when trying to navigate these trying times.
Number One: Reach out to an ex lover.
How is Susan doing? Does her mom still make that AMAZING homemade zucchini bread that is to die for? Does her dad still make awkward jokes that involve him taking your life with the semi automatic that he keeps under his bed? Whatever the cause of those nostalgic feelings that have you wondering what she's up to, look no further. If there's one person she wants to hear from when she's got absolutely nothing going on, it's the guy that broke her heart via phone call in the Red Lobster parking lot.
Maybe start with a text or if you're old school a rooftop smoke signal will do. Remember 6 months ago when she said, "I wouldn't get back together even if the world was ending?" Well time to call her bluff, champ.
Number Two: Open a window and bark like a dog at ANYONE you see being active outside.
Is your street becoming a little bit less like a vacant stretch of asphalt and more like an unsanctioned marathon race? Are you threatened by people with hobbies that require being in public? Are you too young to be yelling at people for being on your lawn but too old to not know exactly what the "Dow Jones" means or does? (What's the deal with those imaginary numbers?) ANYWAYS! Well look no further. Just find a comfortable chair or if you really wanna play the part, get on all fours, stand on a small table, and yelp away.
You will LOVE the thrill of confusing the hell out of all of the ambitious people with their wireless beats by Dre and $110 Nikes they recently bought but won't use ten days from now. Once you grab their attention, be sure to add in some good growls and yips. Really change up your vocal patterns. Just have fun with it! If you've never seen a dog before, or if it has been awhile, just google "Dog barking" for reference. If you don't live alone, you could even have someone call you from the other room to come get a treat. Eventually your street will be as vacant as Christmas morning.
Number Three: Start that novel you've always wanted to write but have zero intentions on completing it.
Haven't read a book since Prisoner of Azkaban back in '07? Can't stop thinking about this life changing story since you took 'shrooms for the first time with your cousin Dave last summer? (What an odd man.) Now is your chance to take one step forward and three steps back.
The key is to always try and write in places with just enough distractions that you get work done for at least twenty minutes, but still give up in under an hour. Normally, you could go with the classic Starbucks run, but with these more difficult times, wait till it's about to rain then pull some bullshit where you attempt to write outdoors. Laptop in the forest type of bullshit. "Being in nature will inspire me" type of bullshit. This will give you the illusion you had a chance at completing what you set out to do (write) while also the relaxation of accomplishing nothing more than spending the gas it took to get there.
Number Four: Start a pyramid scheme
Do you miss all those people from high school you haven't talked to in FOREVER? Is that alligator skin purse business just not taking off like you had hoped? Well shit you gotta pay off all that debt from the communications degree SOMEHOW. Lucky for you, most of Facebook doesn't fact check anything, so they're your best bet for investing in your worst idea since convincing your sorority sisters to join gardening club (soil is so dirty).
The key is to not jump right into talking about the money aspect of the plan, maybe by like the third sentence in your four sentence copy and pasted paragraph. Start with asking them how they have been since you last talked to them that one time seven years ago. Don't be afraid to use emojis (They're a universal language baby!!). There's no better time to screw people over when they're at their most vulnerable during a global crisis.
Number Five: Learn to fix shit.
Is your garage full of old tools? That lawn mower just doesn't seem to start on every try? You've never changed a car tire? Well get ready to get all covered in grease and slide around on the floor 'cause it's time to get your father with a bad back to finally respect you.
If there is nothing to fix just start by breaking something. Make sure you make it look like an accident though. People seem to hate when you purposely break shit. I would start with something that will make you look like a hero for fixing. "Oh gosh Grandma, these bolts on your walker look all loose! Let me fix that for you, after all I know how to use a screw driver!" If your grandmother is dead or can walk just fine then pick something else like slashing a tire on your neighbor's only mini van that he needs to get his family groceries. You will LOVE the feeling of being a hero and changing the tire in front of his entire hungry family. Be sure to post about it on social media after too, make a photoshoot out of it! After all if no one else saw was it even worth it?
So whether you're feeling ambitious enough to rekindle something that you once deemed toxic, or just looking for a reason to bark at people who are objectively more productive than you, I hope you found these tips helpful. And remember, this will all be over by the end of the month and the next month, and the month after that.
