Updated: Jun 3, 2022
Well I guess it's that time of year again. The kids are back in school, Starbucks is selling pumpkin spiced lattes, and all of the leaves are turning brown because the Autumnal Hag is going around sneezing on all of the trees. I spotted her this morning around Armitage and Halsted sneezing on a sassafras tree. She plucked one of the leaves off its branches and started chewing on the stem saying how it tasted like A&W root beer. She began laughing manically. Slowly the tree turned a yellowish brown. My jaw dropped as she walked just one block down and began hocking her head back. She sneezed a loud sneeze flat onto the trunk of a beautiful maple. Tiny winged helicopter like samara fruit propelled slowly to the ground as a brown hue started creeping up to the top. The Autumnal Hag is relentless! Everybody knows the legend. She starts her rounds on September 22nd and slowly sneezes on every tree in the northern hemisphere. She used to finish with her sneezing by early November, but with her old age she's delayed it all the way to mid December! It's the oddest thing. She likes to hop around to different trees. She'll sneeze on an oak tree somewhere in the twin cities, and then suddenly sneeze on a birch in the middle of nowhere Manitoba. The fact that I saw her sneeze on two separate trees on a city block in Chicago is insane! The worst thing she does is when she grows a giant beak and starts screeching and waving her arms at all the birds. It's like she's herding them down to Florida or anywhere on the gulf coast.
Last year I saw a video of her sneezing multiple times on a coniferous white pine and thankfully nothing happened. Apparently conifer trees are immune to the Autumnal Hag's dangerous sneeze. If she ever starts walking toward you, turn around and run into the nearest pinewood forest immediately! If the Autumnal Hag sneezes on you you'll turn into a pumpkin, but if you've been bad you'll turn into a butternut squash. The bad people slowly rot and degrade over time whereas the people who turn into pumpkins get gutted and carved out. They get turned into a mockery of their former faces. It's the worst! The Autumnal Hag brings no justice, only death. But if you do happen to see her try to snap a pic! All recent pictures of the Autumnal Hag will get you a free pumpkin spiced latte at every participating Starbucks. Stay Vigilant!