NAPERVILLE, IL - Area asshole, Drew Owens, experienced a rare moment of enlightenment on Friday. Only hours after screaming at a service worker for an unsatisfactory coffee order and then anonymously posting hateful comments on influencers' social media pages, Drew sat down at his favorite park and looked inward.
"Am I the asshole?" pondered the 28-year-old douchebag. "Have I been the asshole this whole time?" reflected the guy who refers to himself as "an alpha" and writes "no uggos or fatties" on all his dating profiles.
"Maybe it's me. Maybe, I'm the problem." Drew thought in a first-ever moment of self-awareness. Unfortunately, that moment was short-lived, as a notification dinged on his phone snapping the finance bro out of it.
"Nah, I'm fucking awesome. Everyone loves me and if they don't - fuck 'em."
Recent reports indicate that Drew is back on his bullshit. The asshole was last seen making shitty comments about the homeless on a Reddit thread.