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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Elvis Is Alive And He’s Constipated On MY Toilet

Despite all of the rumors, famed Rock ‘N Roll star, Elvis, is alive and well. I found him after he broke into my house to use the bathroom. It seems that his old age has not served him well, and his bowel movements are still as speedy as molasses.

At the ripe age of 87, I was surprised by how limber he was, after he smashed through my back window and bee-lined it for the bathroom. I know all this because I was home when he did it. Seeing a pop culture icon swan dive through a window and effortlessly twist into a controlled roll, I knew it could be no other. The white jumpsuit, now dotted red, with glittering gems, made my heart flutter. I felt what all those screaming girls in the 50s felt. At least I think so. Otherwise it was pure adrenaline and fear, possibly one and the same.

I began to scream at the top of my lungs. Ever the professional, Elvis grabbed my hand, calmed me down, and said “Hey little lady, mind if I use your powder room?”

To which I replied, “I’m just a boy with long hair, but yeah it’s down the hall on the right.“ He then scampered off, leaning side to side as if he had just gotten off a horse.

And that’s how we get to my predicament. Elvis claims he’s just doing promotion for his new movie, but he’s been in there for five hours now. I even ordered a pizza for him to try and coax him out, but he convinced me to slide some slices under the door.

I guess the lesson is to go see the movie so Elvis doesn’t break in to your house and try and shit for a whole afternoon. I hope he’s still alive in there...

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