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Egypt Calls Upon Worlds Public Pools To Give Stuck Cargo Ship 'Greased Up Watermelon' Treatment

Cairo, Egypt--Earlier this week cargo ship Ever Given lodged itself diagonally in the world famous Suez Canal. What first started out as a logistical nightmare, as ships trapped themselves in a traffic jam in The Red Sea, quickly became one of the coolest boat parties in the history of the world, and the second coolest thing to happen in The Red Sea since Moses big dicked his way from one end to the other freeing the Hebrew people.

It was at this boat party where President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, witnessed a few sailors jump into the water and attempt to wrestle with a greased up watermelon that they threw moments before. As if being struck by lightening, a lightbulb turned on in President Sisi's head, and he proposed to 'grease up Ever Given just like the boys have greased up the watermelon.'

Unfortunately, Egypt used all of their grease last week for their annual 'Spring Time Pyramid Grease-a-Thon.' Every year, in mid march, Egyptians from all over the country come to Cairo to grease up the pyramids in order to make them look shiny for the up coming tourist season. It's usually a pretty big event with a lot of rides and fun food like elephant ears and lemonade slushies. There's always a musical guest and a long line at the cotton candy stand. This year they actually got Bono to perform.

Due to this, President Sisi is calling upon all public pools and all patrons of public pools to offer up their grease in hopes of dislodging Ever Given from it's diagonal position.

If you have any grease laying around then you should probably mail it to the presidents office! We're all in this together!

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