As a Chicago resident I do my due diligence by ordering and eating an entire pizza every other day. On bank holidays I order two. I always try to balance my diet by only including two toppings. One meet, and one veggie. If pizza day falls on a Friday then I spoil myself with either a buffalo or vinaigrette drizzle. Depending on the weather I might get a side of bread sticks. Now, let’s say it’s February 8th, and I’m supposed to order a pizza today, and in two days on the 10th of February I’m supposed to order another pizza. I know full well that February 9th is National Pizza Day, am I morally obligated to order another pizza in the interim between the 8th and the 10th? You bet your tight little ass I am. These are the many ailments and sufferings that have been bequeathed upon me by whatever vengeful or merciless God created this hellscape I call life.
Now imagine my surprise when Covid reared its ugly head in March and the only impact it had on me was that my Domino’s pizza tasted—off. Was it bad? No. Was it good? Not by a long shot. Was I going to order from Domino's again? Of course. I am Sisyphus and the rock that I push up a hill day in and day out is pizza. But then this morning, Domino's "dipshit" CEO Richard E. Allison Jr. claimed that Domino's has taken a massive financial hit because they had to start buying gloves. Suddenly everything made sense. My food had no longer been touched by the weathered hands of underpaid essential workers. I can no longer taste hard work, hourly wages, and lack of benefits. All I taste is garlic.
Does anybody in the Chicago area have any suggestions of where I can get pizza in this barren and flaccid city? Or am I going to have to move to Cincinnati? Let me know!
