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  • Writer's pictureChewe

Carmex Launches Toothpaste Brand, Confusing Millions

After months of research and development, the waxy lip balm manufacturer Carmex released a new toothpaste line of products. To no one's surprise, it completely bombed and sold very little volume. Those who were unfortunate to purchase the new product, mainly did so by mistake. Many were confused by Carmex's refusal to change the dispensing tube design from its lip moisturizer branch, leading to accidental ingestion of toothpaste by the dirty, filthy trolls that eat Carmex's main product.

Despite the popularity in the underground sewer scene, most of the public are blissfully unaware of the gremlin-esque cult that claim to "grease up the innies" with Carmex's most popular lip balm product. They claim the lubricating effect of the product keeps their bowels regular and active. Doctors that have investigated the claims say that it is actually due to the toxic poisoning effect of the lubricant. Carmex representatives adamantly refused to comment on the sewage based organization.

As for the average consumers that unknowingly used the toothpaste as lip balm, they just looked like dumb-asses at work for a day. Now back to the cult.

Started in the late 1920s and actually predating the invention of Carmex, a group of individuals in southern Wisconsin formed around their shared addiction to Benzocaine, a mild pain reliever commonly used in anesthesia. Not to be confused with the movie Anastasia, local anesthesia is commonly used in medical procedures. Despite the name, local anesthesia is rarely sourced from nearby shops, and is actually made by major drug manufacturers around the globe.

When Alfred Woelbing finally struck thickened liquid gold with the invention of Carmex on his stove in the early 1930s, he had a ravenous market ready and waiting for him. Woelbing soon stumbled upon the Benzocaine addled group, selling his entire stock in minutes. He soon returned many times, and not just to distribute. The Benzocaine community in the early 1930s was infamous for 72 hour orgies and what would later be called "raves" by future generations.

Not to be confused with CarMax (which weirdly sold it's last new vehicle dealership in 2021 in the same Wisconsin area that Carmex is headquartered), Carmex continued to be the main supplier of the Benzocaine movement for the proceeding decades. The Cult of B, as they liked to be called, expanded across the US and even onto the international scene. Due to the popularity of the movement, many imitators popped up, including ChapStix, Blistex, Burt's Bees, cooking grease, belly button lint, and heroin. All failed in dethroning the king Carmex.

Not to be confused with CARFAX (which weirdly is headquartered in Virginia, just like CarMax), Carmex has calmed it's drug pushing ways over the years and has settled in to a cozy suburban friendly image that appeals to white middle aged moms and is a much needed respite for their thin chapped lips. While the Cult of B sits in waiting for their return to the sun, we all can sleep peacefully knowing they're harmless until they realize that eating it is what's holding them back.

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