Justin Papalock, an undecided and uninhibited Ohio man, rushed to his nearest poling place early Tuesday morning to engage in what he insisted as “his civic duties”. Outside of the local strip joint, the eager-for-beaver citizen waited nearly three hours in a non-existent line as the poling place opened for the day. “I like to get to the poles as early as possible,” explained Papalock. “There’s just something magical about this place. It makes me proud to be a citizen of this great and sexy nation.”
When asked how visiting a strip club could be construed as a civic duty, Papalock argued that supporting small businesses, empowering women, and encouraging body positivity should be the duty of every American citizen. “Here at The Ballot’s Box, women of all backgrounds, body sizes, and gerrymandered districts are celebrated. That’s what truly makes this place great. Oh, and they have a pretty solid breakfast buffet.”
The clearly intoxicated Papalock with a fat stack of “dolla, dolla bills” in hand offered some keen advice. “Remember that it is your right, nay your privilege as an American citizen to cast your dollars at your local poling place. Your civic engagement makes a difference in the lives of countless women.” The sloshed patron then drained a shot of whiskey, belched and added, “And go vote! That can also make a difference in the lives of countless women.”
