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9 Things We Wish Were Shorter

Let’s keep this simple. Some things suck. We’re going to tell you about them, and you’re going to agree. Also February is the shortest month, hence the inspiration. Did you know February is the only month that can go without a full moon? The last time it happened was in 1999. Must have been a bad month for werewolves, or maybe a good one depending on how you look at it? Have you ever wanted to be a werewolf? I feel like it’d be awesome to turn into such a powerful creature, but not being able to control your transformation would be truly terrifying! That’s not to mention the monumental pressure your werewolf parents are likely to put on you to become the next Van Helsing, resident badass monster hunter. “Jimmy, why can’t you be Dracula’s nightmare instead of a boring old doctor?” Like, Mom, I’m trying to help people in my own way, and death is all icky and stuff…Anyways, here’s Wonderwall.


Superhero Movies

Please stop introducing ten new heroes each movie that all get fifteen minutes of backstory. Can we just show a picture of the new hero with a voice-over that says, “parents murdered as a child,” or “got too close to some random radioactive thing,” or “alien from another planet with feelings”? That would save SO MUCH TIME. Then for the villain, do the same and choose between, “created in a lab,” or “jealous of the superhero,” or “is big, purple, and hates overpopulation.” It would allow way more time for awesome fight scenes and cheesy one liners.


Highbrow Lowbrow is based in Chicago. And I swear everyone out here is 6 foot 3 inches. With a national average of 5’ 9”, it makes even average men feel bad about themselves. It’s not even the whole dating thing. Concerts are harder to attend, movies have chunks of the screen blocked, and god forbid you start a pick-up basketball game.


Researching a new topic or subject for work or just to function as an adult is brutal. I’d rather mindlessly watch The Office again than read about something that will positively impact my life for decades to come. Can we just make knowledge into fun flavored smoothies that instantly teach you a subject? Like Mango “Tax Preparation” Pineapple Twist. Or Strawberry-Kiwi “Free-Market Capitalism” Splash. Or Banana “How To Make My Cat Stop Attacking My Feet at Night and Keeping Me Up” Guava Blast.

Riding a CTA Train

I don’t know what it is about riding the train by yourself, but even the shortest of journeys can easily feel like a trip to the Upside Down. Every stranger seems 1,000 times more threatening sitting calmly on a public train than they did frustratedly standing on the platform. The car you’re traveling in feels like purgatory, and sometimes, if you get the perfect cast of characters...hell. No movie scene set in a train car ever ends well. We need those flying jet packs we were promised by 1950s sci-fi ASAP.

Digesting Spicy Mexican Food

I want my poor, drunk, burrito-eating decisions to be forgotten about by the morning. I want my systems flushed by the time I fall asleep 20 minutes after consuming caliente tacos in bed. Dealing with the repercussions of late night spicy munchies is a terrible punishment while you’re hungover. Metamucil can only do so much. Mexican food, please start using more laxatives.


As they say, “If you could send it in an email, you shouldn’t have a meeting,” but damn, some people don’t know how to cut to the point. If you have to start your email with an explanation on why you’re writing it, I’m not going to read it (though I probably will due to the anxiety of missing something important).


What’s with all the singing? We’d save so much time if we just got straight to the preaching part. Didn’t Jesus say do unto others, as you would have done unto yourself? So why are we torturing ourselves with the one-millionth tone-deaf rendition of Amazing Grace by the children's choir? Like hello, I was trying to sleep. Can’t we just pay tithes and bribe our way into a heavenly afterlife like the good ole days? You know back, when the priests were more fun, and less pedophile-y?

War and Peace

Maybe I’d read it if it wasn't the length of three textbooks. I hear it’s phenomenal, but who has the patience to haul around a four pound book for months before finally downloading the audio book to only get through the first two chapters?


You’re dead; we get it. Do we really need to spend $10,000 on the ordeal? I mean you’re dead either way, and it’s just such a hassle. For the same price, you could send your grieving family on an all-inclusive Mediterranean cruise. But no, instead we’ll all stare at your beautified corpse, eat shitty hors d'oeuvres, and then lower you into the ground in a fancy box. I’m just saying cremation and a Mediterranean cruise sound a lot less selfish. Think of your family.

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