Now that March is coming to a close we've made a detailed list of all our grievances from this nutso month that gives it's name to some...stupid basketball tournament. The following is the airing of what we most fear and loathe...from the last 31 days.
1. Pronouncing Words in French
Have you ever tried to pronounce words in French, or to be honest, the lack of words? It's like the syllables melt in your mouth and you're stuck looking like a stupid idiot with a mouthful of spaghettiOs that you're supposed to somehow move onto the next word with? They don't even let you spit and rinse with all those silent consonants and vowels. No wonder the French are known for being kinky.
2. The Sound of Pencil on Paper
While it’s no chalk on a chalkboard, the glide of a pen or the clack of a mechanical keyboard are music in comparison.
3. The Sopranos Spoilers
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s been almost 25 years since it first aired. But, it’s still new to those who didn’t have HBO as a kid. So, watch ya mouth!
4. Chicago Sports Radio
Chicago sports radio debating who the Bears should take with the No. 9 overall pick. I don’t want to hear heated conversations about giant O-lineman and D-lineman anymore. I know it’s their job to speculate, but maybe they should just learn patience and wait until the draft. Or maybe speculate on smaller men?
5. Jesus’ Second Coming
Is it happening or not? The suspense is killing me. Like it’s almost been 2,000 years since the guy croaked. Is he holy ghosting us? I’m giving it one more Easter and then I’ll really have to reconsider my faith in the guy. I hear Zoroaster parties harder anyway…
6. The Lack of Air Bud Sequels
Super Buddies came out in 2013. We’ve had no further installments in the Air Bud cannon since. What is wrong with Hollywood? This is the only franchise I need more of and I NEED IT STAT!
7. Trump’s Possible Indictment
Is it happening or not? The suspense is killing me. If Trump does go to prison, we’re most excited for his letter correspondence with Rudy Giuliani. I mean he won’t have Truth Social or Twitter to ramble on about windmills anymore so he’ll have to switch to scribbling letters on the toilet. SAD. I imagine he might get shanked too. That’d be exciting. Maybe they’ll make a show out of it - Orange Is the New Orange, but in a Prison Mike accent.
8. Lack of Universal Healthcare
Teeth are just luxury bones. If the price tag for a simple accident doesn’t drive us mad, the inability to see a shrink will!
9. Chatty Co-workers
Chatty coworkers. When I ask, “How was your weekend?”, it is not the time to share your life story. Please Donny, learn to read a room.
10. The fact that Keith Richards is still alive and I’ll probably die before him.
There are three things in life that are inevitable: death, taxes, and Keith Richards outliving you. Generations have endured the tragedy and you are no exception. They claim he was born in 1943, but who's to say that wasn't 1943 BC?