LONDON - California native Sheila Hastings has begun the largest construction project undertaken by humans to date. While building a sand castle on a local beach, she quickly ditched her dreams of beach royalty for becoming the first person to dig to the other side of the earth.
She soon began bringing in local contractors to help the effort and has become the darling of a bidding war between several major companies aiming for the contract. Caterpillar CEO Jim Saughkes was quoted as saying, “We see her dream so clearly when she talks. We want to be there with her when she succeeds.”
When asked what the main goals of the project are, Sheila said, “I think it’d be really cool. I want to see China but my parents won’t take me. I also want to go to Disney Land. I like Pluto. He’s my favorite. I also like Minnie. My teacher made us draw our favorite cartoon characters, and I drawed (sic)] Elsa. I also like Spider-man. He’s very funny.”
International leaders are scrambling to understand the geopolitical implications of the U.S. bordering China and whether this will lead to increased tension between the two superpowers. Denis Sanchez from the BBC said “it’s unlikely to worsen the economic cold war, and should actually increase shipping speeds, while decreasing costs. I think both nations will benefit greatly from this.”
We asked Sheila what her thoughts were on the potential impact. She stated “I want everyone to be friends. I want to have a big dinner with everyone so they can be happy and laugh together. That’s what my Mom does with our neighbor Mr. Hanson. He comes over a lot, but it makes Dad really mad.”
Conservative estimates for completing the project range from 45-55 years. When asked how committed she is to see the project to completion, Sheila responded, “I’ve haven’t seen my friends for three whole days. I really miss my teacher Ms. Thompson. She’s going to teach me to read this year.”
Sheila’s company Digging Incorporated Group (DIGG 345.73 +34.5%) recently released their IPO three days ago to much fanfare. They launched at $1 at the request of Sheila who wanted everyone to be able to afford the stock. Wall Street insiders say this was the most brilliant move the market has seen in decades, saying Sheila is going to give Warren Buffet a run for his money after becoming the youngest self-made billionaire from financial trading.
Elsewhere, geologists analyzing the project believe her current dig trajectory will actually put her smack dab in the middle of the Siberian tundra, a notoriously difficult terrain. This will make the final push the most difficult of the journey, with estimates of 120 feet of pure ice to drill through. Hopefully Sheila, a California native, is ready for the cold shock!