Here at Highbrow-Lowbrow Comedy, we understand that Thanksgiving for many Americans will not look the same as in years past. In the midst of a virus pandemic, families have pivoted to a virtual setting for Turkey Day in 2020. Yet even though we won’t be physically present with our families, Zoom offers a new, humdrum way for gathering with family virtually. Here are some helpful tips for surviving a virtual Thanksgiving with family.
1. Remember Your ABC’s – Always Be Consuming
To survive a Zoom Thanksgiving with your family, consumption is key. If your pie hole’s perpetually stuffed, then you can’t be bothered to respond to your Aunt’s backhanded compliments or the constant barrage of questions about your job, love life, and overall life direction.
Alcohol will help here too. I’d recommend at least 2-3 alcoholic drinks per hour of Zoom. That’s gonna bring you to the right BAC levels to take the edge off some of the hard hitting inquires like “Why are you still single?” and “When should we expect you to reproduce?” or ignorant comments like “I just don’t understand why everything has to be about race…”. If you come from a more conservative family that frowns upon alcohol consumption, no worries! Simply pour your booze of choice into a can of Coke or Pepsi and voila’ you’re one step closer to an enjoyable virtual Thanksgiving - and maybe alcoholism.
2. Add a Virtual Background Significant Other
If you are going stag to the family Zoom Thanksgiving, adding a virtual background may be something you want to explore. Virtual backgrounds have come a long way in 2020. The serene backdrop of a beach or the whimsical scene of floating bananas will delight many relatives young and old. But why not take it one step further? Crop in a smoking hottie into your virtual background and call them your new boo. Grandma sure won’t know the difference and it will help silence all those family love gurus. For best practice, I’d suggest creating 3-5 backgrounds with your virtual hottie in different positions. The change of backgrounds will help the natural flow of conversation and curb any suspicions that you are indeed a sad, lonely human being.
3. Hire a Zoom Bomber
Zoom bombers continue to plague the virtual meeting space. They interrupt public meetings, are unwelcome guests in virtual classrooms, and even sabotage family gatherings. So why not use these public menaces for good? Hire a Zoom bomber for your family Thanksgiving! They’ll most likely do it for free, I mean they’re already on Zoom anyway. Why not start some drama in your family’s Zoom? For the best results, remember to provide the bomber with plenty of prepared material such as personal insults, social security numbers, and family secrets to shout out at family members intermittently. The chaos will add a unique flair to your virtual Thanksgiving that family members won’t soon forget, and it will distract them from asking you questions or generally interacting with you.
4. Join Multiple Zoom Meetings with Different Families
I understand that the above tips may not shield you from every unpleasant incident that may occur during your family’s Zoom Thanksgiving. That’s why you should diversify your virtual Thanksgiving by joining multiple family Zoom meetings. This will help you avoid those unpleasant incidents with your old family and start fresh with a new family. Only have one family? That’s okay, there are plenty of Zoom family Thanksgivings out there just poke around until you find one that feels right – and doesn’t have a required password. Switch back and forth to experience the best family Thanksgivings Zoom has to offer!
5. Cut to Black
If all else fails, shut off your internet and blame it on the Internet provider. This tip is a last resort for surviving your Zoom Thanksgiving with family, but I highly recommend having an escape plan if things get harry. It’s simple. When your Uncle’s had a few too many and won’t stop insisting that The Voice is "good television", cut to black. You don’t need to discuss much. Just drop off the interwebs, Bri. And set yourself free.
