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12 New Holidays We Want People To Start Celebrating In December

You’ll-Eat-A-Tide-Pods Greetings! It is the time of holidays and of festive gatherings. May you and yours end the year on a high note. Spike the eggnog, punch your annoying nephew. Make Norman Rockwell proud.

We've put together the top 12 holidays that we'll start celebrating, and so should you.

  1. Old Year’s End - Buy a pack and grab a pint. Take the last 24 hours to over indulge in all the things you say you’re gonna give up as a New Year’s Resolution.

  2. A day of remembrance for all those poor souls in warm states that crash their car during that once in a decade event when it snows for 15 minutes.

  3. In December we usually hang up framed pictures of our family and celebrate them. How about we turn that around and frame some crimes on our family and celebrate that.

  4. Usually by sometime in December the Bears have lost enough games to knock them out of playoff contention, but not enough for the first overall draft pick. Time to celebrate the annual “Acceptance of Chicago Football Mediocrity”.

  5. We don’t celebrate celebrities enough, it’s a fact. So it’s about time to recognize a true Hollywood heartthrob, sweetheart and overall gem: Steve Buschemi. Buschemi-palooza! Also, Samuel L. Jackson was born on December 21, 1948. Give the mother f***ing man a mother f***ing holiday already.

  6. Lempa has a holiday planned for Beethoven the Dog, purposely followed by an Air Bud slam-dunk posterizing the day after. How do neutered balls smell, Beethoven?

  7. Let’s bring back the pagan solstice celebrations and get this orgy rockin’ baby!

  8. The Present Pit Day - Inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie “Jingle All The Way”, gladiatorial combat will be held all day long between parents fighting for the season’s hottest toys.

  9. Fake-Ass, Peasant Livin'-Ass, Artificial Tree Shaming Day - these neighbors are lucky I'm not on the HOA board...or I'd evict their fake Christmas plastic tree buying asses. *swears under breath while sweeping up pine needles*

  10. A Gary Oldman holiday on December 26th only seems fitting.

  11. Enemies Day - A more malicious type of April Fool's day where you target the people who've wronged you.

  12. The Grinch Was Right and Everyone Else Can F*** OFF While I Enjoy My Eggnog Day.

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