PHILADELPHIA, PA - The caste system is alive and well! On a recent Spirit Airlines flight to Tampa, Pennsylvania native Rob Dender was shocked to find his seat had been changed last minute. Fully expecting a luxurious upgrade, he instead found he’d be riding in the overhead baggage compartment.
In an attempt to further alienate their customers and find the next big cash grab, Spirit has started packing their passengers in to the overhead compartments and have installed seats in the cargo bay directly below the restrooms. Opinions are mixed. Some claim to love the new change, stating “it really puts into perspective that planes are just a big hunk of metal hurtling through the air.” Others have been less fortunate, claiming “I had a brown liquid drip on me. I pray it’s oil.”
While some go willingly, Dender had to be forcibly restrained and stowed away safely. “It was dehumanizing. It made me realize that travel bags have feelings too” Dender said. Inanimate Rights Groups have chimed in stating “Imagine if you were handled that roughly all day and jailed in a pitch black cell every few days? It’s like Guantanamo all over. Our hearts go out to the baggage of frequent fliers.” They also referenced the actions of one of their celebrity activist, Bono. They claim he was years ahead of his time when he purchased a first class ticket for his favorite hat.
Spirit, always at the forefront of these type of issues, announced that not only will you need to pay for carry-on luggage, you’ll also need a seat for them. They plan to adjust seat sizing to better accommodate luggage and will be starting tandem flights, one with people and one with luggage. The planes will leave back to back, and the luggage plane will offer complimentary champagne and prostitutes.
Financial analyst claim “this will ruin them.” Spirit’s CEO, himself an Armani suitcase, released a statement saying “It’s about equality. We are not simply vessels for your underwear and Speedos. We deserve a seat at the table, or in this case, the plane.”
We will continue to update as the story develops.
Update 1 - 9:47 A.M. - Fights have broken out at the Denver airport after it was discovered that the secret bunkers beneath the airport were being used for inhumane testing on leather suitcases.
Update 2 - 10:22 A.M. - Shots have been fired at the American Tourister factory in Providence, Rhode Island. Reports say 3 people have died, and 2 roller bags are in critical condition.
Update 3 - 12:34 P.M. - A rogue gang of Tumi luggage has stormed the US Capitol building and are hunting for the head of the FAA.
Update 4 - 2:53 P.M. - 5th Avenue in New York City has quickly become a war zone after all the luxury baggage in stores broke free and barricaded themselves in Tiffany & Co.
Update 5 - 6:16 P.M. - The White House is attempting to negotiate with the Luggage Party (LP) representatives. Insiders state that talks are quickly devolving into screaming matches, and may end in a roller derby face-off.
Update 6 - 9:45 P.M. - The US Government has collapsed and the Open Carry-On Party (OCOP) is now the de-facto rulers. All hail our new overlords.
This article was sponsored by Jet Blue Airlines as a stark warning of what could happen if they are not allowed to acquire Spirit Airlines and tame their world domination ambitions. Jet Blue is giving the Department of Justice 72 hours to make the correct decision and approve the acquisition.